I made a promise to myself that when I write, it would be raw- the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Every part of me is made up of pieces of people I have loved and learned from. My inner allies come from different parts of my soul, heart, and mind. They are made up of many qualities.
My empathy and care stems from being the first born. I cradle my five younger siblings as if I was their mother. My determination grew from my Pop. The doctors gave him six months; he fought for a year and a half. My love comes from my stepdad, my true hero. He cherishes and loves all of us more than I ever thought possible. He is the warrior I never saw coming. My maturity thrives from growing up too fast due to my childhood events. I had been to more drug houses than playgrounds by the time I was five. My hope and passion stems from my Mama. She fought to get us out, and she has been the light of my life ever since.
My passion grows each day for people, places and experiences I have yet to meet. I want to immerse myself into every culture’s way of life, so I may see their perspectives on everything. My work ethic builds upon the idea of a fulfilling life. Granna is eighty years old, and she still loves to get up and get moving.
My daily routine creates a safe, stable environment for me, mentally. I had walked on eggshells around my father while he was in my life. Neither ally nor enemy, my traits present my soul in physical form. I am half my mother and half my father, literally. Depending on the person, they tell me I look just like one or the other. Similar to looks, my emotions largely range.
My rage comes from my father. I fear I will always be the angry man in my house, now. My strength matches my mother’s. She kept it together to keep us from falling apart years ago. My inner enemies show themselves through some of my habits. My nail biting comes from deep rooted anxiety. When my parents divorced, my father would tell me he was killing himself if my mom ever found another man (I was in fifth grade).
My ability to forgive wages a war on which side it is on. Forgiveness is a wonderful habit, but I had to learn it does not always mean to let someone back in. One of my worst enemies is the fear of letting someone in at all.
Because I fear abandonment, I tend to push people away before they have the chance to leave. I am addressing the issue constantly to tend that wound. I want to live happily with someone, and I lean into the feeling that life is worth living. These complexities of my inner self create a different mixture every day.
I am learning to love myself through the constant battles life wages. It is because of you all that I am able to face today and walk off the battlefield to find relief. I hope you all seek therelief you crave from the nuisances of this life.
